I Want to Go Back

Maria's Big House of Hope, Luoyang, Henan China

I want to go back to China. (I want to come back with a 5 year-old, but that isn't happening and wouldn't be in anyone's best interest.) I want to go back to the Henan Province, I saw very little of it other than then inside of my hotel room. I specifically want go to Luoyang, the city Grace is from. My one regret of our adoption trip was not visiting Grace's orphanage with Paul. At the time we were convinced (and advised by our guide) that it would be too difficult for Grace to make that 2.5 hour trip back to the orphanage and have to say good-bye again. This may have been best for her, and we can't do it over again. But,I so wish I could have gone.

Paul is planning something special for his 40th birthday. Neither of us wants to have a party. Paul wants to go to Detroit's Fantasy Baseball Camp. He told me he was planning a special trip for me for my birthday too. I don't turn 40 for over two years, but I immediately said, "I want to go back to China." Right now we can't adopt again (Paul says never) but I still have a heart for serving the orphan and a heart for China. The amazing thing is that of all the hundreds of cities in China, Maria's Big House of Hope is in Luoyang. Not only that, but China is building a new building right across the street from MBHOH, that will be the new home of Grace's social welfare institute.

I really want to take a short term mission trip to MBHOH in two years. There are several obstacles though.

1. It is really expensive.
2. Paul isn't sure he wants me travelling across the world without him.
3. We have 5 kids, and we homeschool. I am the one who cares for our kids day-in and day-out while Paul goes to work.
4. I'd really like to have someone travel with me. If any of my sisters (by blood or in-Christ) read this know I'm praying one of you will join me. :)
5. This is the smallest obstacle, but you have to be a Show-Hope sponsor. We aren't sponsoring them at this point, but we consider this to be a very worthy organization which we have benefited from.

The bottome line is I know all of the obstacles are surmountable if God wants me to serve in China, and if not it won't happen. I have two years to pray and plan, and would love the prayers of others.

Me, The Children's Place, and the Sweat Pants Beast

On a much lighter note; did you know that jeans are painful? Well according to my kids they are. When Sam was a baby I usually dressed him like a little man. Many of the clothes I bought for him were similar to what I would buy for daddy. Then when he was about 18 months and I was pregnant with Joe I discovered The Children's Place fleece pants, and I bought them about 50 pairs of fleece pants on rock bottom clearance and several matching shirts and that was it. They have worn sweats or athletic shorts every day since. Will and Ben have worn sweats since day one and they also refuse to wear long sleeves. An old t-shirt (preferably one with star wars or something similar on it) and basketball shorts are their outfit of choice, even in sub-zero temperatures. Long pants and especially long sleeves are worthy of tears. Coats and shoes are torture devices. Khaki pants and khaki shorts are "church clothes" only to be worn on Sunday mornings and then shed quickly. They went through a phase of bringing play clothes to church and changing in the bathroom as soon as church was over. We quickly nipped that in the bud. One child even wants his "church pants" to have an elastic waist. We discovered The Children's Place elastic-waist cargo pants and usually buy a few pairs for church each winter. We've had every size of these pants from 2T up. However, these only go up to size
14. This means that soon I'll be shopping for men's elastic waist pants. Do they sell these in the senior citizen section? I want to have fall pictures taken of our family. I would prefer the boys wear jeans and a longs-sleeved button-down shirt. But, I can't escape the feeling that I would be making up something for the picture that wasn't true to our life. I guess I'll go for khakis. This weekend we went to a housewarming party and I wanted the boys to look nice. I pick Grace's clothes and she has such cute stuff. I tried to convince them to wear the one pair of jeans I buy each year - just in case. But, I was informed that jeans hurt. We had to dig through our winter clothes and find our dressiest sweats and most decent t-shirts. To make matters worse the boys ripped the knees out of all of their "good" sweats (Children's Place wind pants) last year. Ugh. I've taken to buying every pair of nice looking warm-up pants I find at the Goodwill. Truth be told, I prefer yoga pants myself, but try not to wear them out of the house too frequently. I'm pretty sure that Grace prefers stretchy pants as well. Why am I writing, this? I'm not sure. I just needed to get it off my chest, and those of you who see us frequently will now understand why my kids always look like they just just left a track-meet.:0)

Grace's Six Month Slide Show

I made this slideshow for Grace and she loves it. There is no way I have time for fancy Creative Memory books like Sam and Joe have, so this will have to suffice for now. :) She looks at all the pictures and says all the names. I am so bummed I didn't get more pictures of her TN cousins when we were down there to put in it. I am also frustrated that online the slideshow music is off because it takes so long to download the pictures. But, it is what it is. I can make a dvd for anyone who really wants to see it. Or you can come visit me. :)

A digital slideshow by Smilebox

Six Months into Forever

You bring restoration

You bring restoration

You bring restoration to my soul.

You've taken my pain, and called me by a new name.

You've taken my shame, and in its place you give me joy!

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing.

You take my weeping and turn it into laughing.

You take my mourning, turn it into dancing.

You take my sadness, turn it into joy!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

You make all things new!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

You make all things new!

(Restoration, by Clay Edwards)

Playing with my my camera. I need a TON of practice!

New School Year

We started a new adventure on Tuesday. We are part of the charter year of the Tapestry Faith Community Homeschool, a homeschool group that meets every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:00-2:00. The children receive a classical education in history, science, literature, writing, art and Bible, all from a Biblical perspective. Grace is in the preschool class and doing really well. We are thrilled that she is able to stay in the class without too many tears. I am teaching writing and literature to the elementary age students. It is a challenge for all of us, but it is an excellent opportunity and we've all enjoyed the first week very much. Sam is in 6th grade, Joe is in 4th grade, Will and Ben are in 2nd grade and Grace is in preschool.

We are sad that our beautiful Michigan summer almost over and are trying to enjoy every minute of the warm weather that is left. Grace has been home almost six months. Though the time has flown since our trip to China in some ways it seems she's been with us forever. It's hard to fathom that she spent the first two and a half years of her life without us.

Priorities

My greatest struggle as a mother has been keeping my proirities in the correct order. All the discipline problems not handled correctly, lack of patience and loss of tempers can be traced back to me losing focus. Taking my eyes off of God, my marriage and my kids and focusing on other things (or mixing up my first three priorities.)

Sometimes this happened because I was confused and misguided and chose things that were "good" and those things ended up keeping us from what was "best". Other times it was just me thumbing my nose up at holiness and doing what I wanted to do.

My prayer for this school year is that I would keep my focus where it should be, that I would chose wisely and carefully, and that my goals would be heavenly, not earthly.

Scars

I shouldn't be blogging today but I needed to get this up before I forgot it, as I so often do. Paul took the kiddos to a water park with his parents so that I could have time to plan. I started my planning weekend immediately by clearing out the bottom drawer of our filing cabinet in order to store some school stuff there. I had basically stuffed all of our adoption paperwork into the drawer for safe-keeping while we all adjusted to life at home. Today I began the job of sorting papers and other things into files and albums, etc.

I have the wonderful gift of a memory book from Grace's orphanage and in the pictures a younger Grace looks familiar with her radiant smile-so-big-her-eyes-disappear. Then I found the pictures from her passport, Visa and adoption decree. The look on her face broke my heart. Now that I know her I recognize the pure misery and terror in her face. I remember them from "gotcha-day" I still see those looks every now and then. I thought, "What did we do to that poor child? She was perfectly happy before being yanked from everything familiar." While I KNOW she's better off now and doing so very well, there are scars. Scars that had to occur for things to get better. Like the scare on her back from the surgery that made her healthy, she'll always have these scars, but they had to occur.

I really like things to be going my way. I like happiness and children who get along, and for things to be neat and pain free. I spend too much time worrying about what could go wrong. I need to be reminded often that whether I like it or not sometimes things have to hurt in order for them to get better. Sometimes they hurt a little, and sometimes they leave scars, whether external or on our hearts. Once again I'm thankful for a Savior who understands. Thank you Lord that by YOUR stripes WE are healed. Thank you for taking up the cross. Please give me strength and courage to take up mine.

James 1: 2-4 NIV
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isaiah 53:5 KJV But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

About Grace........

Grace is:
37 inches tall
34 lbs.

Her favorite books are:
Five Little Monkeys
Jesus Is With Me

Her favorite songs are:
The B-I-B-L-E
This Little Light of Mine
Twinkle, Twinkle

Favorite Foods:
Watermelon
Candy
Any kind of meat

Favorite Words:
Whyyyyyyy???
Mine!!
BooBoo!!!

Favorite Toys:
Not sure yet, we think she's going to like dolls, but so far isn't into toys.

Funny Sayings:
Boys: "Why Grace?"
Grace: "Said So."
Boys: "Who said so?"
Grace: "Daddy said so."

Mom: "Are you Mama's baby?"
Grace: "No! Baba's BeeBee!!"

Every time she sees any pair of underwear she says, "MY NUNNIES (undies)!! and then laughs hysterically.

Words for "Father"
Daddy, Baba, Bob and Bobby

Grace's Favorite Person:
Baba (daddy)

Grace's Favorite Things to Do:
Go to Ninni's (Nikki's) house.
Go to the store.
Help mom cook.
Swim (can't believe that!)
Swinging in her swing
Rough house and tickle fights with Daddy and brothers.
Being held and carried around by Mama.

Grace Dislikes:
Being left in a nursery. (We've never been able to leave her.)
Being told "no".
Being told that something in fact is not hers, but someone else's.

Big Accomplishments:
Walking barefoot in the grass!
Swimming
Staying at Aunt Jenny's overnight without crying at all.
Sleeping all night in her own bed.
Praying along with us at meals.
Going a week without scratching any of her GeGes. (Big brothers)
Pretty much the entire leaving everything she is familiar with, coming to a strange place, and bonding beautifully with her new family thing.

Grace has been to:
The pediatrician (numerous times)
The Urologist
The Neurologist
Had an ultrasound and a VCUG
The Dentist
The audiologist

Still has to see:
The eye doctor and have a spinal x-ray and MRI.

Grace's health has been excellent other than those pesky UTIs, bless her heart!

Grace is adored by everyone, but especially her mom, dad and big brothers. She is thriving under the love of a family. We are blessed.

Photo Shoot of the Kids

Every few years I do a big photo shoot of my kids. I make them dress up and pose and bribe them with pizza and candy - ha! It is a lot of work, but worth it! I am a proud mama. I took 100's, here are a few.

Randomness.............

Father's Day - So much I could say, but these pics speak for themselves.

Unofficial Chinese Day

Grace's First Independence Day!

Will and Ben

Sam and Joe in the pond.

Happy 4th princess!

Baseball

Sam's favorite sport.

Ben Batting

Will batting.

Will and Ben waiting to bat.

A long overdue, long update on us

We have been having such a busy, full summer that I haven't had time to update our blog. I love Michigan summers. Once we get well into June the weather is beautiful, everything is green, and we take a break from homeschooling. :)
Sam, Will and Ben all played baseball this summer. Which meant at least 4 nights a week at the baseball field. That is a lot, luckily Grace loves to "go bye-bye" and there is a great playground next to Sam's field. Sam had a great season, with a wonderful coach. His team won third place in their division. Will and Ben did one more year of T-Ball (by choice) and had a lot of fun. They are ready to move to machine pitch next year.
Joe finished up his year of orchestra, and decided not to play ball this year. We were kind of disappointed because he was really progressing last year, but at the same we were relieved to have one less place to be. He had to take a break from Karate due to his brother's baseball schedule, but as he is the busiest kid the rest of the year I don't think he minded.
Paul and the three younger boys have been to several Tiger's games. Sam got the privilege of accompanying Dad to opening day, but has chosen to watch the rest of the games from home with Mom and Grace. He hates the drive there. :)
Grace is doing so well. She is strong willed, knows exactly what she wants, and is determined to get it. She's also hilarious, fun, sweet, affectionate, and so stinkin' cute! I love her strong will and determination, I think it served her well the first 2.5 years of her life. I am reminded daily of the little report we got of her months before we met that said, "Sometimes people love her more when she is naughty." ;) She says 100's of words. I have no idea exactly how many. She strings them together into sentences like, "Mom go doctor nose." (I had surgery on my nose - yuk.) She no longer calls herself BeiBei, but now says "Gace". I'm a little sad about that. Grace is really warming up to people and has stayed with our neighbor and her grandparents. She is still really scared to stay in the nursery at church and I'm not pushing it. She is a total daddy's girl and Paul is truly her favorite person in the world. She misses him so much while he's at work. She calls him "Bob", (short for Baba, the Chinese word for daddy) and says, "Where Bob?" all day long. Of course she has him wrapped around her little finger. While Paul is at work she is my little shadow, and stays very close to Mama. She likes to read books, sing songs, help me cook, and swing in her swing. After THREE UTI's she's on a maintenance dose of antibiotics. She will have further testing in Aug. to find the root of this. She also has a spinal x-ray and MRI scheduled just to find out exactly what is going on there. But, she has had no health problems at all other than the UTI's. She's a joy to the entire family and many others. The boys still are crazy about her, and she is warming up to them more and more all the time.
All 5 of the kids are enjoying swimming in our pond and just playing with our friends and being kids. We have a weekly playdate/Bible study at the park, which has been such a blessing. We hosted our annual Father's Day fish fry, had three fun 4th of July cook-outs, (Grace loved the fireworks!) and had a great time at the zoo with family. The kids and I are SO excited about leaving for our annual summer visit to TN tomorrow. They love to play with their cousins and spend time with their grandparents. My sisters haven't met Grace in person yet, and they are dying to see her.
Paul is busy at work, and is redoing our bedroom. It should be done when we get home from TN. I had three minor surgeries on my face at once, which knocked me on my tail for a while but I feel much better now. I've spent a lot of time preparing for our new classical education homeschool group next year. It meets twice a week, and has the potential to provide an amazing supplement to our kid's education. I am super excited and nervous about being a part of this from the very beginning. I will be teaching writing and literature to the K-3 and 4-6 graders, as well as spending some time in the preschool.
Raising five children has it's challenges. Our housework and laundry never, ever gets done, and honestly sometimes that makes me feel like a failure. It's loud here, very, very loud, which helps Paul to practice being patient. :) Paul and I spend a large amount of our time parenting which means working to find time for our marriage, not to mention any other interests we might have (I can't come up with any right now). God is using parenthood to stretch and grow us, and sometimes that's uncomfortable. But, growth is always a good thing. I am so thankful for our family and sometimes I wish I could freeze time and not let anything change, ever. 11, 9, 7 and 2 are the perfect ages. (Okay I might let Grace turn four because four my favorite age, but then she can't get any older.) Sam is really turning into a young man, and it won't be long until the other boys catch him. Parenting Grace as an older mom (haha) is so different. I feel much more confident that I'm not going to ruin her - and I also realize how very quickly each stage really does move, and that they don't stay little for very long at all. So we are embracing the terrific two's and looking forward to the even-more-terrific threes. God has been very good to us in so many ways but mostly because He sacrificed his only son so that we could know Him, and we are so grateful.
My next post is going to be nothing but pictures. I hope to be able to work on that in the evenings when my kids are in bed at my parents' house, since I won't have 1 million other things I should be doing. Now back to packing and the other things I have neglected while writing this post. :)

Out of Egypt

This is from my friend Rebecca's blog. She is an excellent writer. She wrote this about a month before she met her son Moses - also from China. He's been home exactly a year, and I am sure this is even more true today than it was when she wrote it. I followed her trip to China eagerly, and this post really resonated with me and still does. Enjoy.

"Those of you who have been following our story know that our 13-year-old son picked out the name “Moses.” He started praying for his little brother by name every night last summer, before we even realized that boys in China needed homes. What we haven’t told you is why he chose that name. A symbolic, spiritual answer seems fitting here, but I don’t have one. JD chose "Moses" because he wanted their dynamic duo to be known as: “John Dynamo and his Little Bro, Mo.”
Our friends have had different reactions to this name. Apart from Gwenyth Paltrow’s son, you just don't see it very often. "Moses" is not something you'll find embroidered on pillowcases in a Pottery Barn Kids catalogue. Yet, the Lord hides lessons in unexpected places. And we've learned that He can even do that with a name birthed out of teenage wonder speak.
When you first start to develop a heart for orphans, it’s easy to embrace a ‘savior’ mentality. Why? Well, you see heart-wrenching YouTube videos and hear the awful stories about how these kids start life, so you are horrified. You want to get involved in liberating a child from a hopeless, abusive existence. You want to be the rescuer. Saving at least one child becomes the focus of your heart.
Yet, social workers and experts strongly discourage the ‘savior’ perception. They don’t want a child growing up feeling like a charity case, and that makes a lot of sense. Maybe you have seen hovering, needy moms turning older adopted kids into objects. They nurse their own insecurities by making their identity as ‘adoptive mom’ central to most conversations. They do this in front of their children, and you can literally watch their kids wither as they listen. The sensation I get while watching this exchange happen is almost one of bondage. The mom continually suggests that her child is indebted to his/her rescuer. It feels shameful. There is no dignity involved in this sort of relationship.
Bobby and I are still very new to adoption, so my reflections are green. But this bondage dynamic has been the total opposite of what we have experienced so far. Moses isn't even here yet, but we have still found a duality of salvation happening. Our child isn’t the only one being redeemed through this process. He is also being used by God to rescue his parents... perhaps to an even greater extent than what he is experiencing.As I look back through the past year, I can see how God has already used our little Moses to lead me out of a thousand captivities. I used to confidently throw around the name of God while working for earthly masters. I was bound by political frustration, materialistic goals, and self-centered dreams. I was frightened because I might someday suffer, but I didn’t grieve because others are already suffering. I was too much like the parents in The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, myopic and self-indulgent, pursuing new toys while people were dying. I was too certain and too hard. I didn’t let the pain of the world penetrate my heart deeply enough.
Of course, I still have tons of room to grow and change. On the "Simmer v. Belly Flop Sin Continuum," I'm a belly flopper. I'm the sort of person who goofs up robustly, and I will tomorrow, and I will the next day. However, because of Moses, I am no longer the same person now that I was before he was in my life. He's not even here yet, but he has already made me see and feel the whole world - and my role in it - so differently. I can't imagine how much more he will teach me after he arrives. So rescue? Who is being rescued? Sure, I can give Moses a home. But he has given me the gift of sight in exchange. He has rooted my loyalty deeper into eternity. He has softened my callouses. He is loosening my grasp on foolish things, wooing me not with rules and demands... but with a smile so big his eyes disappear. He is unhinging thirty years-worth of captivity. He is transforming my "they" into "we".
Moses is leading me out of Egypt.At this point, in our relationship I am the debtor. He has already given me so much more than I can offer him. Perhaps someday God will help me return the favor, and we can be equals. But until then, thank you, Moses. I have needed you. And I need you still."

Remember My Monchichi Post?

On our trip to China Paul took a picture of me in front of the Monchichi store. Well since then I have had several visitors to my blog who googled the word "Monchichi" and were directed to my blog. In fact the Monchichi post has had more visitors than most of my other posts. I googled Monchichi and looked under images, and sure enough there was my picture with the giant Monchichi on page two. Does this make me famous? Just kidding, but I think it's funny.

China Adoption Testimony

So Paul and I have been asked to give our testimony about Grace's adoption at "Story Sunday" at our church. Here is what I am planning to share:

"Motherhood and adoption are two things that I've felt called to for as long as I can remember. I believe the Bible when it says that children are a blessing and took very personally the command to care for orphans in their distress. Paul and I began our journey on the the road that has lead us to this adoption early in our marriage by being foster parents in Tennessee, which was another huge leap of faith that was not easy but the rewards have been immense. God blessed our family first with our son Sam, and then Joe. It was after Joe was born that the desire to adopt a little one internationally began in my heart. I really thought that we'd have one more child the old fashioned way and then adopt one more and that would complete our family. I spent hours pouring over pictures online of babies in orphanages over seas. But, God had other plans, as he often does, and we were blessed with precious twin boys, Will and Ben. After our twins were born Paul felt strongly that we were to help other families be able to adopt, but that our hands were truly full, and our family was complete. With four blessing ages four and under I knew my hands were full, and mother hood did not (and doesn't) always come easily to me, I often falter and am brought to my knees by my own lack of ability and brokenness, but I love my kids and despite all this the desire to adopt another child was still very strong. I often wondered why God had given me the desire and seemed to be calling me to adopt, but not Paul. While Paul (and most of my close friends) knew that I wanted to adopt - and I especially wanted to adopt a little girl from China, I never nagged or made it an issue. After all, he is the leader of our family, if it was meant to be, God would have to move him, and he would have to choose to obey. I frequently reminded God that I was willing, and my frequent prayer was for God to either change my heart or Paul's. I really thought it would be mine.

Well last May (after over seven years of praying), my husband blew me away by telling me he wanted to adopt a little girl and he felt now was the time. After my initial shock wore off (which only took about a day) :), we began the process of adopting our 5th child. We did research foster parenting again, but it was soon made obvious to us that the China Waiting Child Program was the best choice for our family. The process to adopt was not easy, but within 9 months God had provided in every way for us to travel to China and be united with our daughter. We were humbled and grateful for how He provided and how were were carried by our friends and family - including our small group at FBC. Our trip to China was life changing, and something I am so thankful I was able to experience.

As you can imagine adoption requires a substantial investment of time, funds, faith, patience, and most of all trusting God with lots of unknowns. However the rewards are immeasurable. The absolute truth is that God knows what you need, and what I need. His plans for you are good, even if they aren't easy or what is deemed "normal" by the world. God knew that we needed Grace even more than she needed us. She was the perfect match for our family. He knew that she would bring joy to our family that we could never have experienced without her. There are pieces of my husband and my sons that I never would have known existed if it wasn't for Grace. We all love her so much. God can take broken and imperfect people and bless them if they only trust Him and obey His leading. But he can't fully bless you if you don't trust Him enough to obey Him and answer when he calls. I know that there have been other times I haven't obeyed His callings, and I hate to think of the joy I've missed out on.

There are by some estimates 140 million orphans in the world today. If every Christian family adopted, that need would be virtually eliminated. But I'm not going to ask anyone to adopt, because I definitely don't think everyone is called to do so. And, I'd never want to guilt anyone into adopting a child if they didn't really want him or her with all their heart, the way we wanted (want) Grace. However, if you do feel called to adopt, then I would encourage you to trust God's plan and not allow the fears, and the costs to prohibit you from experiencing His blessing. Most of you will not be called to do what we've done, but as Christians - the Body of Christ - we are each called to something. We can't fully function as a body unless each of us obeys. I would encourage all of you, and I need to remind myself daily (sometimes minutely), that we are to trust God. That His plans for us are good. While sometimes what He asks of us isn't easy it is better to be in obedience to Him, experiencing His blessing, than to allow fear and the desire for ease to rule our lives and be outside of His will, not experiencing His blessings, and hindering the work of His body.

Seen around our home today.....

Poor Will's asthma and allergies are acting up so he's playing wii on the second gorgeous day of the year. Sam is playing baseball, but I got a quick picture of him with Joe and Ben and their turtle and frog that they found in the yard yesterday. Grace wore her China dress to church this morning and was much happier about it today than she was in China. She is now napping.