Back a few months ago I posted about how Paul and I have been praying that God would radically change our hearts, and I think I expected to post in a few months how we were adopting again, or selling our home and moving to India, or something really cool like that. :) While I have nothing quite so fun to post, there has been change, and God has continued to pursue our hearts and shake things up and while we still don't know exactly where this is going, we know we want our lives to count for eternity, and we are excited about that.
The changes in our lives really began before Easter. Around the time we first began reading the book
Radical our beloved pastor was dismissed by our elder board (who we love and respect as well.) I was livid at first. I was sure that the elders were wrong and that their goal was to water down the messages on Sunday mornings and become a "seeker sensitive" church. (I don't know where I even got this idea, but I was SURE I was right.) Two of the elders were gracious enough to meet with our small group a few days after the announcement that our pastor had been let go was made. They sat in my living room, and I fired the question that I had been formulating in my mind for days, "I believe the purpose of the church (not the body of Christ, but the institution and especially Sunday morning services) is to equip the saints, and then the saints are to go out and reach the lost. What do you believe to be the purpose of the church?" And one of the elders said to me (paraphrased), "Historically the church has focused on equipping the saints, because it's easier. But, our first calling is to reach the lost - per the great commission."
And then my heart started pounding, and my palms began sweating, and I knew God was getting my attention. I don't remember ever before having a moment where I physically reacted like that, but it's happened to me at least 3 more times since then. In church on Easter Sunday I wept, and actually went forward at the end to speak to the same elder because I knew I had been wrong. I have never gone to the front in church before, I don't even know that there was an alter call, but I went forward anyway - I think Paul was worried about me :). While I still believe that the church is to equip the saints, I knew that was as far as it was going we me and my family. We weren't doing that second part of reaching the lost at all. I had been taking the awesome teaching I heard on Sunday morning and I don't know what I did with it. (Actually I had been to very few Sunday services last year - I had been teaching the preschool class second service - and sleeping in rather than going to first service.) It must not have penetrated to my heart. Since then every book I've read, every sermon I've listened to and every piece of the Gospel I have read have confirmed all of this.
And then more changes:
Our church split. And one of my best friends, along with several other dear friends left the church.
There has been an amazing group of people forming at our church with a heart to reach the people of the world in very desperate circumstances, that is a good change!
One of my other best friends is moving out of state.
God called Paul's Grandpa home.
God seems to be calling us to stop homeschooling at some point, possibly next school year. I can't believe how this change has rocked my whole identity.
The boys and I are spending most of the summer living with my gracious, awesome mother-in-law so Sam can attend tutoring 4 hours a day 5 days a week. This is awesome, but it's costing our family in every sense of the word.
And finally, we are dealing with heartbreaking issues with one of our children that I can't talk about on here.
I let things affect me too much, so maybe my reaction is wrong. I don't want to complain, I know not all of these changes are bad, we are quite blessed! But all of this change has still left me feeling humbled and empty, and somewhat depressed. It's been a good exercise in dying to self. I am at the end of me and part of me wants to hold on to what is left of my time, my money, my photography, my pride, my identity, my security, (mine, mine, mine..... you get it). with every thing I have in me. The other part of me knows I need to hand everything I have to God with open hands, it's all His anyway. I think this is a good place to be right now. When we are weak, He is strong. This is really what we prayed for. To be radically changed. God changes and uses broken people.
The situation with our child has left us both broken and humbled.
So after all this I was still not sure exactly what God wanted from us, but I was open. Wednesday I was begging God to show us where he wanted us to start and the verses that I have read and read, over and over again, and even memorized came to me:
Matthew 22:35-41
35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
And again, shallow breathing, heart pounding, and palm slapping forehead. This is the most basic thing every Christian should be doing. But were we? No. I think we are finally now moving towards loving God with everything we have - we still have a LONG way to go. But we don't love our neighbors. We love the neighbors on one side of our house dearly, but we pretty much ignore the rest of them, or worse look down our noses at them. Sure we love our friends and family (even the heathen do that, right?). But the neighbors on the other side of our house, the ones in the tiny town we live in, the neighbors the slums of Saginaw and Flint just a few miles away, and those in desperate need globally - we don't love in any way shape or form. In fact we pretty much go out of our way to avoid most of them. How did we miss this?
So this is where we are. All I know for now, is that I am to love God and love my neighbor. We still don't exactly know our family's mission- we still are pleading with God to draw us nearer to His heart, but I we are trying to open ourselves up to where God is leading us, and not stand in His way.
Bless you if you read all of this. I feel compelled to share it, especially with my friends and family because I know I've been very distant lately. If I haven't seemed weird to you it's because I am faking it. I am weird.
:)
**I am editing this to add that along with
Radical by David Platt I highly recommend the books, 7 by Jen Hatmaker, and
Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and
Barefoot Church by Brandon Hatmaker. These books will challenge you deeply. I am getting ready to read the book,
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, I can't recommend it yet, but it looks good!
Here are some random pictures from our meaningful summer:
My nephew Evan and my parents came to visit us, and we went to the Creation Museum. We had a wonderful time!
Jumpin' Joe
Will with my parents
Ben tending the campfire
Evan and Joe
The kids in the pond
Grace with some balloons leftover from a photo shoot I did with my neighbors
This photo of Sam and Great Grandma Baynes is from April, but totally worth sharing.
They love to watch the Tigers together.
