Free!!

I love the hymn, Come thou Fount of Every Blessing , my favorite verse says:

O to grace how great a debtor 
 daily I'm constrained to be! 
 Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
 bind my wandering heart to thee. 
 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
 prone to leave the God I love; 
 here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
 seal it for thy courts above.

I love the paradox of the Gospel, that the only way to be really free, is for my heart to be fettered to God by his goodness and grace. It has taken me years to finally give all of my heart to God. I wanted to know Him and love Him, but I loved my other masters too much, and as Scripture says you can't serve two masters.

My first cruel master was loving the approval of man more than God. That master led me into the dark waters of sinfulness, shame, and harm so deep that I almost drowned. The irony was that man will let you down every time, and God never does. But I still preferred man.

My next jailer came in the form of fear. Fear locked me in solitary confinement and left me delusional. I honestly preferred to cling to this master because I was terrified of what would happen to me or my family if I gave all of myself to God with abandon. So rather than giving all of myself to God (who owns it all anyway) and walking out of prison and into God's goodness, I held tight to my fears; living in a dark sad state.

And finally, I was a slave to pride. I think this may be the most dangerous master. Pride gave me enough rope that I almost didn't know I was enslaved. Pride drove me to do all I could to look good on the outside, so that I, and everyone else, could think I was okay. Pride taught me that the only thing I needed God for was to help me be more organized, a better wife, mother, teacher, thinner (ha!) because I was already a really good person. Pride made me think more highly of myself than others. Pride taught me to love doctrine more than I loved the One who gave it. Pride made me angry at my children, thinking their behavior was a reflection on me.  Pride twisted the Scriptures to read how I wanted them and allowed me to ignore the rest of them. Pride made me more concerned with a person's morality than the state of the their soul. Pride made it okay for me to go into debt in order to have all the stuff I "needed" to keep up appearances. The irony here was that I knew I wasn't good enough. I could only keep things going for so long before everything would come crashing down, and I would despair. But my frequent cries to God were always, "Please help me do better!" Not, "Please take everything." Pride numbed me to the Holy Spirit's leading in my life. Pride made my earthly home more important than my eternal one.   Pride gave me just enough rope and religion for me to hang myself, and I almost did. I was a hypocrite and a pharisee. And Jesus' strongest words were not for the sinners, but for the religious.

BUT I am such a debtor to grace. By God's grace I can honestly say that sitting on a bench outside of Sam's school a few weeks ago, struggling greatly with many things, I finally prayed and surrendered all of me, and everything I own and love, no matter what. Paul and I prayed later telling God we would do anything He asked of us. Like the apostle Paul, I want to be a bond slave to Christ, and in becoming a slave, I am now free, and it is amazing. God's grace, waded into the dark waters of my sin and dragged me out.  Grace held my hand and led me out of the prison of fear. Grace loosened the ropes of pride that were just about to choke the life out of me. I did absolutely nothing, Jesus had already paid for all my sins on the cross. God enabled me to believe and give him control.  The old me so wanted help God out, to be able to point to a time in my life when I "turned from sin". But God did it all. I cannot take any credit. And I am free now, and it is wonderful!

I am a debtor to God's grace DAILY, every. single. minute. I am prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love. Please let Your goodness like a fetter bind my wondering heart to You, Lord. Here's my heart Lord, I beg you to take and seal it, seal it for your courts above.